If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
