I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
