you have to choose: penises or morals?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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