how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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