Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
