Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
