Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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