I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
