I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
