I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
