Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...