I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word