My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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