I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
