Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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