i can't believe i had my finger in that
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
