margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
