she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
