Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
