I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
