Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
someone owes me an orgasm
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
