Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
