You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
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this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
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Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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