smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
