Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
