6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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