I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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