just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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