if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
