On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
