dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
