I wish I could punch you in the face.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
