There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
