my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
