Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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