In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
