woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
