Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
