it's not cheating when I paid for it
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
being pregnant is like rehab
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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