I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
