My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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