I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
