At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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