did you get engaged???
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
