i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
