Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
