True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
