I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
