So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
