I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
