my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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