We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
