you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
