Where is the hickey?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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