I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
