I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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