My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
