true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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